Tescos 2.0

I’ve just been to Tescos. I’m not proud of it, its not a shop I choose to go to very often but it was the only place I could get to which was open. I wanted a cold remedy, and I have one I swear by. Its pretty simple, just lemons, honey and whiskey. You slice the lemon in half, put it in a cup of boiling water, add honey to taste and then top it all the way up to the top with Famous Grouse whiskey. The vitamin C in the lemons is great, the taste really burns and just makes you feel better, and the whiskey, provided you put enough in, helps you to sleep through all of those horrible cold sweats. And, as long as you keep drinking the stuff, you won’t get hangovers either because you stay drunk. Magical.
So I walked into Tescos looking, and feeling, ill. I had two t-shirts, three jumpers (top one a christmas jumper) and a coat on, and a big Tuareg scarf, and I was shivering like crazy. Not the sort of figure you want to mess with. I got a basket, grabbed four lemons, some squeezy honey and a bottle of the demon drink, and headed for the checkouts.
There was a huge queue but the self-service checkouts were unused (God bless the innate fear of technology) so I lurched over, looking mental, and started trying to work the till. Now, I’m fairly tech-savvy. I’m not very up-to-date, or geeky about gadgets, but if you give me something shiny I can work out how it works quite quickly. But Tescos tills are a different league of shiny thing. So I scan my honey. Beep. No problemo. I scan my whiskey. Loud beep. A nice lady appears, looks at me to check that I’m over 18, realises I’m tall, angry-looking and shaking like crazy, and leaves me to it. Then come the lemons. I pick up one, think “Oh, fruit. Probably doesn’t scan” so start to look through the options to find lemons in the list. They’re not there. I look through again. Still nothing. So I make eye-contact with the age-verification lady and say “These lemons. No button”. She says “Yes love, theres a barcode on them”. I look again and yes, there is a barcode on them.
Now did I miss a memo somewhere? Who on earth barcodes lemons? I felt ill before, but now I feel angry and depressed because evidently the world has moved faster than me. I scan my lemons and retreat towards my house, accepting that maybe I’m not as cool as I thought.

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